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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29435448">The Road Back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hardrada/pseuds/Hardrada'>Hardrada</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Valentine's Day Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:42:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29435448</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hardrada/pseuds/Hardrada</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi all</p>
<p>A bit of sap for you on Valentine's Day.  Jim and Bones during the two weeks Jim was, well, dead in ST:ID.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Road Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi all</p>
<p>I just wanted to do a bit of sap for everybody.  I've been getting too angsty recently and I wanted a bit of sap instead.  Just two men who really do go together.  Hope you enjoy.</p>
<p>As ever, thank you for the comments/kudos.  It means the world, and this one is for all of you who read these fics and dwell in this lovely corner of fandom.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>The Road Back</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p>The day Jim killed himself, he didn’t really think about it.  He had been lost and lonely for most of his life, and then he had let the guard slip and people had worked under his shields.  And then he had lost the person who had made him feel as if he actually mattered.  So now he was tired and - done.  So he had opened the hatch to the warp core and gone to his death for the people he loved and the people who were his family and the people who had crawled under his defences and destroyed him.</p>
<p>He had looked into Spock’s eyes as his own vision had begun to blur and he had seen tears and he had wanted to smile but by that point his strength had almost gone and although he hadn’t said everything he thought he should, he had said all he could.</p>
<p>And then - well, then he died.</p>
<p>And that had been kind of a disappointment, to be frank.  He had kind of hoped for a reunion with his dad (can you have a reunion with someone you had never met?), and oh, he had hoped he would see Pike.  But there had been - nothing.  Just oblivion.</p>
<p>But really, that was okay.  He needed the rest.</p>
<p>Bones’ voice was the first thing he had heard as he approached his resurrection.  He was a long way off, like he was shouting from one side of a canyon to Jim standing on the other side, but it was definitely Bones; Jim knew that tone of mixed affection and annoyance.</p>
<p>“Jim, please wake up”, the voice had said.  “I can’t do this alone, you know that.  I’m here because of you, and you promised me.  Come on back.  Kind of tired of talking to myself”.</p>
<p>Jim had smiled, or thought he had, but then the pit had loomed again, and he really was still so, so tired.  So he went to sleep again and forgot about Bones for a while.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>Bones rested his head on his folded arms which were in turn resting on the bed where Jim lay so still, so pale, so - diminished.  He wasn’t the first dead person Bones had seen, not even the first person he knew, or the first person he had loved, but as he watched Jim, hoping desperately for some kind of sign, however slight, he realised that it was the first time he had ever understood the term ‘life force’.  </p>
<p>“Everyone has one”, he said out loud, startling himself.  He looked at Jim and drew an idle pattern on the still hand on top of the bed sheet.  “But, darlin’, yours is another level.  You’re just a force of nature and I - I miss that so fucking much”.  He sighed, perhaps a bit shakily, and then scowled.  “However, I’m a doctor, not a teenage girl and I’m utterly fucked if I’m going to moon over you any longer.  You just do your thing in what passes for your brain and wander back over here when you’re ready”.  He stood up and looked down at the pale face on the pillow.  No response.  He leaned down and brushed a kiss across Jim’s cheek.  “Come on”, he whispered.  “Come on”.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>Next time he came back from oblivion, he was alone and he was surrounded by silence.  Well not silence, he realised, not the silence of oblivion.  He could hear beeps and whistles and shit like that, and part of him knew what that was but he couldn’t place it.  Kind of comforting though.  He thought about opening his eyes but decided it was too much of an effort.  If anybody had looked carefully though, they would have seen his fingers twitch, as if he were looking for something.  He sank back towards oblivion, but this time it wasn’t so deep, so - oblivious.  He kind of skimmed the pit this time, and now he could her voices, could hear Pike but couldn’t see him, which was kind of irritating.  He could hear another voice that he didn’t recognise but somehow knew.  He wondered if it could be his dad.  Some part of him knew that sound and he went towards it because something drew him in a way that had never happened to him before.</p>
<p>But this wasn’t some kind of weird trippy thing and there was no tall, handsome man in an old-fashioned Starfleet uniform waiting for him to give him sage advice, father to son.  Just the echo of a voice that he knew but didn’t know.  He thought about asking, thought about it.  Didn’t do it.  Wasn’t in a fairy story, dad wasn’t going to come and save the day.  His heart gave a little pang at that point, a little blip on the monitor, because he wanted - he so <em>wanted</em> - his dad to come and kiss it better because he was tired of feeling so fucking alone.</p>
<p>But he wasn’t alone, Bones’ voice intruded, offended and irate. Usual tone.  God, he loved Bones with every fibre of his soul.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>The beep of the monitor had attracted Bones’ attention and he had crossed the med bay floor in a controlled stampede.</p>
<p>“Jim?”  He reached out, cupped Jim’s face in his hands.  He looked so fucking young, so fucking vulnerable.  He threw pride away.  “Come on back, I’m begging you.  I’m fucking begging you”.  He kissed Jim’s cheek and then his chapped, dried lips.  “Please”.  He pulled back, blinking hard.  “Got to get you some salve for those lips kid”, he whispered.  “Back in a second”.</p>
<p>“’kay”.  The sound was a breath, no more, but it froze Bones in his tracks.  “Jim?  Jim are you there?”  But Jim’s face was still again and Bones blinked hard against the sudden and embarrassing sting of tears.</p>
<p>“Fuck”, he said, looking at the monitors, hoping to see that blip again.  He stroked Jim’s greasy hair back from his forehead.  “Need to get you cleaned up”, he said.  “You’re getting gross”.</p>
<p>“Icky”, said Jim distinctly.</p>
<p>“Yeah”, Bones said, trying to keep his voice calm.  “You’re icky”.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>Jim couldn’t find that oblivion again.  He kind of wanted to, but he kind of didn’t want to.  He kind of wanted his dad; he kind of wanted Pike.  But he also kind of wanted to open his eyes and live and see Bones.  Because he could hear Bones.  All the time, and he couldn’t leave him.  Jim had spent too much of his own life alone, and he wasn’t going to let Bones go through his life alone, because that just wasn’t right.  Bones didn’t have many friends because he was a miserable, angry bastard.  So he could maybe stop him being a lonely miserable angry bastard.</p>
<p>So he had to wake up now.  Yep.  Here we go.  Wake up.  </p>
<p>Later.</p>
<p>He could still hear the other voices, Pike and the known/not known voice; and he could hear his crew, his new family.  He could hear Scotty bellowing something indecipherable, Uhura crushing some poor victim with a single phrase; Spock being inscrutable; Sulu and Chekhov doing that double-tag thing they did so well.  And he realised that he couldn’t leave them.  They had a whole bunch of adventures ahead.  That’s what life was, after all.  Sure, technically they were missions, but really they were adventures.  He shifted slightly and grunted a laugh.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>“Is he going to come back?”  Uhura stood by the bed and looked down at Jim.  “He looks so - far away”.</p>
<p>“I think he’s getting closer”, Bones said.  He had been cleaning Jim’s face with a wipe when Uhura had walked in and had simply looked up and kept doing it, completely unembarrassed.  “He feels like he’s getting closer”.</p>
<p>“It’s been two weeks, Leonard”, she said softly.  “Do you think that he’ll have changed?  Will he be the same?”</p>
<p>“The same doofus, you mean?” Bones said, looking down and smiling softly.  “I don’t think anything can take that away from him”.  He made a noise that was almost a laugh.  “In twenty years I guarantee he’ll be the same.  This kid was born to push on pull doors”.</p>
<p>“You keep saying that about him”, said Uhura, smiling in her turn.  “What does it mean?”</p>
<p>“It means that as long as I’ve known him, he’s always looking so far ahead that he doesn’t concentrate on what’s in front of him.  Remember when he cheated on the test?  He was thinking ahead all the time about how this would progress him in Starfleet and give him the leg-up he wanted.  He never considered that he would get caught.  He has never thought short-term.  So he pushes on pull doors.  The door’s in the way but it’s not the goal; it’s just an obstacle that he hasn’t considered”.  Bones stopped speaking and simply looked at Jim.</p>
<p>“And this time?” Uhura said softly.  “Are you saying the reactor was a pull door?”</p>
<p>“I think so”, Bones said.  “I think he knew what he had to do to save the ship and he went through the hatch on the way to the core simply because that was the route he had to take to make sure the crew was safe”.</p>
<p>“He needs someone to look after him”, said Uhura, touching his shoulder.  “You’re a good guy.  Catch him when he falls”.</p>
<p>“Always”.</p>
<p>“Yep”, agreed Jim from the bed and Bones and Uhura looked at each other.</p>
<p>“He’s coming back”, Bones said again, and there was no denying him.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>That was nice, what they had just said.  Bones wanting to catch him.  Kind of rude though, to say he needed looking after.  Wasn’t a kid.  But then - he had gone through the hatch for reasons that Bones knew better than he did; he knew why he had taken the test.  Bones knew him better than anyone else in the entire universe.  Bones was his grounding, his anchor, his port.  Bones was his everything.</p>
<p>Time to come home.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>“I was so tired”, Jim said, his fingers tangled in Bones’.  “Never been so tired, so - lost, I guess”.</p>
<p>“You should have told me”, Bones said.  “You should always tell me everything, okay?”  He watched their hands.  “I can’t do it without you, kid”.  He shrugged.  “It’s out there now.  I can’t do it without you”.</p>
<p>“Back at ya”, Jim said, his voice still hoarse with disuse.  “You can be my door opener from now on”.</p>
<p>“I’ll point out where the doors are”, Bones said.  “I’m a doctor, not a fucking valet”.</p>
<p>Jim began to laugh and then cough.  Bones quickly handed him water, holding the cup for him since he was still so weak.</p>
<p>“Can I ask you something?” he asked when Jim had recovered.</p>
<p>“Anything”.</p>
<p>“Did you want to die?  When you went in there, you knew you would die.  Did you want to?”</p>
<p>“I had to go in”, Jim hedged.  “It was up to me to fix things.  I started the whole fuck up.  I had to fix it”.</p>
<p>“Answer the question, dumbass”.</p>
<p>“Hey, you’re managing to bury that sentimental side again I see”.  Jim smiled, sinking back into the pillows, his eyes beginning to get heavy, his breathing slowing and steadying.</p>
<p>“Answer me”.</p>
<p>Jim raised his eyebrows.  “I didn’t want to”, he said finally, his voice starting to slur.  “But I don’t think I really cared.  Couldn’t see … I had lost Pike, lost so many people, lost my ship.  Pissed off the crew.  Pissed you off.  Lost everything”.</p>
<p>“Not everything”, Bones said.  “Never everything.  Even if you do piss me off”.</p>
<p>“No”, Jim agreed, but then didn’t speak again, dropping off the edge and into sleep.</p>
<p>“You won’t ever be alone again”, Bones said, once he was sure Jim was asleep.  “You can’t be trusted”.</p>
<p>Jim turned onto his side, his usual sleeping position, and it made Bones smile.  Proper sleep.  Good.</p>
<p>“We’ll get there, kid”, he whispered, kissing Jim.  “Whatever you have going on in that weird head of yours, we’ll fix it together”.</p>
<p>He kissed Jim again and walked quietly away, dimming the lights as he went.</p>
<p>__</p>
<p>Nice.  He would miss Pike for the rest of his life, he suspected, and he would always wonder about the father he never knew.  And sure, life sucked and was dark and painful sometimes.  But he had Bones.  And Bones loved him.</p>
<p>Bones loved him.</p>
<p>Together, they’d take on the universe and beat it into submission, one star system at a time.</p>
<p>All good.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The End</p>
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